Black comedy

There are some things a girl is just better off not knowing - and it's a shame Sonya didn't abide by this unwritten rule when calling me up to tell me she was mega excited to be on a boat with "comedian" Jim Davidson. Apparently, she had a teen crush on him, alongside Philip Schofield, which she has never shrugged off completely.

Not even the crude comments and double entendres could sway Sonya until she had an epiphany midway round the press cruise up the Creek. She texted me an urgent plea for help: "Bobby Davro's here in November. I fancied him when I was 11. Kill me now."