The ride of your life?

London has uncovered plans for a new theme park, with a concept that is unlikely to find its way to Dubailand.

In one of the few places where you are guaranteed a ride, you can see life-sized silicone models (doesn't say if that includes Pamela Anderson). Visitors can build their ideal partner from body parts - with brains as optional, I guess. Finally, everyone is guaranteed to hit the orgasm zone, and all for the bargain price of 15 pounds. I wonder what the interactive exhibits are like?

Ringing in identity changes

Dubai has been blitzed by outdoor advertising proclaiming a new-look (but sadly not new-service-levels) etisalat, with a new icon demonstrating "openness and reliability". In an ironic masterstroke, one of the posters proclaims "reach your big brother". No real need, since with a heavily proxied service, Big Brother is right at home with you.

Sadly, the latest site to be blocked is wannabe fashionista heaven. Not quite sure what's wrong with the site unless Big Brother's forgotten how to spell.

Name and shame

So, the latest Hollywood baby has been born, and she's called Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. This follows some fab names like Dweezil and Moon Unit (Zappa), Moses and Apple (Martin / Paltrow), Geronimo (son of Alex James from Blur), Kal-El (son of Nicolas Cage), Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q (son of Bono), and of course Zowie (Bowie). And don't forget baby Suri (Cruise / Holmes), whose "parents" said meant Princess, but means anything from thief, to "go away", or pig in Punjabi.

Similar confusion has ensued over what baby Jolie-Pitt's name means. So far, there are four suggestions (and rising):

1. New Messiah in French & Hebrew (but shouldn't it be Nouvelle, in the feminine?)
2. Place of Peace in Hebrew
3. A Red Indian settlement
4. A well-known battle

So, mixed messages from the parents - but then this does reflect the many facades of the Jolie mama. One side saintly saviour, charity worker and earth mother. The other side, a hedonistic bi-sexual, knife-wielding, blood-vial-wearing, human vampire hellion.

Dial 666-6666 for ... ?

It seems money can buy you anything apart from sense. An anonymous bidder paid $2,746,861 for the rights to use the Qatar mobile phone number 666-6666, a sum believed to have set a new world record.

Apart from the quite obscene sum of money, I wonder if the buyer considered:
- there will be zillions of crank calls to the number, since it is obviously someone wealthy and influential.
- the number loses something in translation when you bear in mind for all but the small population of Qatar, it will have to be preceded by an international dialling code. +974 666 6666 just isn't the same.

Facial trickery

Dubai's been overtaken by slightly bizarre outdoor advertising, with what looks to be footballers' faces warped by flags - probably for the World Cup.

After nearly crashing at the sight of a demonic-looking David Beckham, it suddenly struck me: if I wanted to look at a Beckham with half its face recreated artificially, there are plenty of photos of Victoria to choose from.

Welcome construction

Alas, another Arabian Travel Market is over. The second most wearisome trade show (after Gitex) at least has the decency to lay on some cracking parties to soothe the jaded soul. Every year, the best by far is the Fairmont, with past themes including the rainforest, ice and glamour. The last mentioned, while fabulous, was also dangerous - I was nearly knocked out by a giant ruby (hmmm, perhaps that's one for my gravestone?)

This year, in a masterstroke, the theme was Under Construction. Sadly, it wasn't an opportunity for a parade of fit male models with builder's butt, nor was it a chance to come dressed as some of the members of the Village People and break into the YMCA at any given moment. The ballroom was decorated with scaffolding, plastic and tarpaulin, and the only thing missing was the obligatory layer of dust. But as one wag put it: "They'd have been better off holding it in Jumeirah Beach Residence - it'd be cheaper too!"

Having consumed a few too many glasses of pop, Clover again went on the rampage, this time with her new sidekick Sonia. In a search for Mercy's mojo (still missing), they tried to persuade a stranger to have his wicked way. Sadly, they picked the only gay man in the house.