Dubai's Drama Queen

Off to pastures nouveaux

2006-07-11T00:42:00.000+04:00

What's a Nice Girl Like Her Doing in a Place Like Nice?

The adventures of the former Dubai drama queen continue in France, as she exits the crane haven of the Middle East in favour of a life in pastures nouveaux - the Cote d'Azur. You can keep up with her exploits in the land of berets and garlic by visiting cannes-cannes-girl.blogspot.com

Au revoir!

The ride of your life?

2006-05-31T19:57:00.000+04:00

London has uncovered plans for a new theme park, with a concept that is unlikely to find its way to Dubailand.

In one of the few places where you are guaranteed a ride, you can see life-sized silicone models (doesn't say if that includes Pamela Anderson). Visitors can build their ideal partner from body parts - with brains as optional, I guess. Finally, everyone is guaranteed to hit the orgasm zone, and all for the bargain price of 15 pounds. I wonder what the interactive exhibits are like?

Ringing in identity changes

2006-05-30T19:24:00.000+04:00

Dubai has been blitzed by outdoor advertising proclaiming a new-look (but sadly not new-service-levels) etisalat, with a new icon demonstrating "openness and reliability". In an ironic masterstroke, one of the posters proclaims "reach your big brother". No real need, since with a heavily proxied service, Big Brother is right at home with you.

Sadly, the latest site to be blocked is wannabe fashionista heaven. Not quite sure what's wrong with the site unless Big Brother's forgotten how to spell.

Name and shame

2006-05-27T11:39:00.000+04:00

So, the latest Hollywood baby has been born, and she's called Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. This follows some fab names like Dweezil and Moon Unit (Zappa), Moses and Apple (Martin / Paltrow), Geronimo (son of Alex James from Blur), Kal-El (son of Nicolas Cage), Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q (son of Bono), and of course Zowie (Bowie). And don't forget baby Suri (Cruise / Holmes), whose "parents" said meant Princess, but means anything from thief, to "go away", or pig in Punjabi.

Similar confusion has ensued over what baby Jolie-Pitt's name means. So far, there are four suggestions (and rising):

1. New Messiah in French & Hebrew (but shouldn't it be Nouvelle, in the feminine?)
2. Place of Peace in Hebrew
3. A Red Indian settlement
4. A well-known battle

So, mixed messages from the parents - but then this does reflect the many facades of the Jolie mama. One side saintly saviour, charity worker and earth mother. The other side, a hedonistic bi-sexual, knife-wielding, blood-vial-wearing, human vampire hellion.

Dial 666-6666 for ... ?

2006-05-25T23:56:00.001+04:00

It seems money can buy you anything apart from sense. An anonymous bidder paid $2,746,861 for the rights to use the Qatar mobile phone number 666-6666, a sum believed to have set a new world record.

Apart from the quite obscene sum of money, I wonder if the buyer considered:
- there will be zillions of crank calls to the number, since it is obviously someone wealthy and influential.
- the number loses something in translation when you bear in mind for all but the small population of Qatar, it will have to be preceded by an international dialling code. +974 666 6666 just isn't the same.

Facial trickery

2006-05-11T20:16:00.000+04:00

Dubai's been overtaken by slightly bizarre outdoor advertising, with what looks to be footballers' faces warped by flags - probably for the World Cup.

After nearly crashing at the sight of a demonic-looking David Beckham, it suddenly struck me: if I wanted to look at a Beckham with half its face recreated artificially, there are plenty of photos of Victoria to choose from.

Welcome construction

2006-05-05T20:07:00.000+04:00

Alas, another Arabian Travel Market is over. The second most wearisome trade show (after Gitex) at least has the decency to lay on some cracking parties to soothe the jaded soul. Every year, the best by far is the Fairmont, with past themes including the rainforest, ice and glamour. The last mentioned, while fabulous, was also dangerous - I was nearly knocked out by a giant ruby (hmmm, perhaps that's one for my gravestone?)

This year, in a masterstroke, the theme was Under Construction. Sadly, it wasn't an opportunity for a parade of fit male models with builder's butt, nor was it a chance to come dressed as some of the members of the Village People and break into the YMCA at any given moment. The ballroom was decorated with scaffolding, plastic and tarpaulin, and the only thing missing was the obligatory layer of dust. But as one wag put it: "They'd have been better off holding it in Jumeirah Beach Residence - it'd be cheaper too!"

Having consumed a few too many glasses of pop, Clover again went on the rampage, this time with her new sidekick Sonia. In a search for Mercy's mojo (still missing), they tried to persuade a stranger to have his wicked way. Sadly, they picked the only gay man in the house.

Hubble bubbly, toil and trouble

2006-04-23T19:57:00.000+04:00

Clover is full of the joys of spring (and bubbly) .... After a long champagne brunch, she retired to Double Decker, that popular drinking hole in the Murooj Rotana. She was approached by a number of young suitors, who she was happy to flirt with in return for free drinks. Awash with Dutch and French courage, she told one of them that he'd look far better without his goatee, and wearing something other than shorts (he was of Southern Hemisphere persuasion).

Lo and behold, he returned an hour later in trousers and sans beard. "I didn't have the heart to tell him I was wrong, and he looked much better with it," says a wry Clover, who neverthless was delighted with the effectiveness of her feminine guile / wiles. Following that, she took solace in the attentions of Will and Des, her two GBFs (gay best friends - shouldn't every woman have them?).

Stormy surprises

2006-04-06T19:20:00.000+04:00

A double-edged drama after a flight to Bahrain this week. After the flight was delayed on the way out because passengers had "too much hand baggage" - rivalling British Rail for the most pointless excuses - the flight back was also delayed, along with four other Gulf Air flights. When we were finally summoned to the flight, and the tannoy woman got increasingly petulant - this is your LAST call (even though we kept you waiting for ages) - the flight was further grounded for hand luggage reasons.

Having delayed further, the heavens opened and thunder and lightning overhead stopped the pilot taking off. Unfortunately, it didn't stop us flying through the storm as it reached epic proportions, turning the passengers to lime jelly.

On exiting the flight, I was so traumatised that I failed to take true note of my surroundings and stumbled into a giant Modhesh, which nearly poked my eye out - a true summer surprise.

Holding out for a billionaire

2006-03-15T22:40:00.000+04:00

Christmas has come early for singletons Mercy and Sonya, who have been glued to their computer screens studying the brand new Forbes list of billionaires in their attempt to shop online for a husband - a more desperate form of Googling, if you like, complete with a "hunt the husband" map. Prince Alwaleed comes in at a rocking 8 on the list with $20 billion. Abdulaziz Al Ghurair, at No.77, is worth $6.9 bn.

Sonya's been sussing out the male talent in Internet and Media City and has come to a belated conclusion. "By default, I just don't find sales guys sexy - they're just too Brylcreem. I want my billionaire to be able to pick up an axe and kill a rogue bear, not worry that the animal would crush his hairstyle in its big bear paw. Or even just stare the rogue bear in the eye for a while and then snarl at it in a menacing fashion."

An interesting theory, but its validity is somewhat reduced by the fact that Sonya recently admitted to teen fantasies about Jim Davidson and Bobby Davro.

Conflict negotiations

2006-03-10T22:36:00.000+04:00

The Frenchman has come up with the solution to the Palestine problem. "Ask Dubai to invest $80 billion in building a new island in the shape of Palestine off the coast of Jumeirah. Investors can buy plots and develop as they choose: wailing wall and shells are optional."

Spinning in the rain

2006-02-23T22:32:00.000+04:00

Dubaians have very different ways of dealing with the rain. Today's example of flash floods, hail stones and cartoonish bolts of lightning provoked panic among the uninitiated masses. Drivers who are normally reluctant to use any kind of signals, sent their indicators, headlights, fog lights and hazard lights into overdrive; as a result, the Sheikh Zayed road had more flashing lights than a cheap Blackpool disco.

While the beach road was relatively calm, the highway had more than a touch of War of the Worlds about it, with cars skidding everywhere and debris flying. Dodging the traffic cone missiles, i was thankful that the real horror of WotW (a slightly possessed Tom Cruise) wasn't leering out from behind a car. On arrival at work, one sentence from Mercy brought the day back to earth: "Oh, this is nothing - back home in Scotland, this is like a summer's day."

A drink and a byte to eat

2006-02-22T23:03:00.000+04:00

A real estate company in Dubai has launched futuristic intelligent homes (they must be off-limit for blondes). This is all well and good, but this is a city that would rather pay a pittance for a real-live human to do the housework than pay a fortune for a robot to do it.

Apparently, they have invented a robotic bartender, which just seems to defeat the point. If I want a bartender, I want one with a cute smile and a cuter bum, not one with a metallic voice and a touch screen.

Feel the pain

2006-02-20T22:08:00.000+04:00

Whoever knew piercing could be so dangerous. Clover, who is squeamish at the best of times, required fortification with a bottle of Bolly before she could contemplate changing her belly button ring.

It took two people to hold her down, and one to numb the area with muscle spray and change the metalwork, while she screamed the house down and I hid in the bathroom. Job done, we dispersed, until a traumatised Clover called / slurred on the phone: "Help, I forgot about the muscle relaxant and touched my face.... My cheek has collapsed and I look like I've had a stroke!" A couple of hours, a hangover and a serious attack of the munchies later, Clover's face has recovered.

Inflight fantasy

2006-02-19T21:11:00.000+04:00

After more than my fair share of flights on Emirates during December and January, I was left with no in-flight movie option apart from Dreamer, starring child prodigy Dakota Fanning (incidentally responsible for the only plausible bit of human emotive acting in War of the Worlds - the aliens were far superior).

The film centres around a racehorse who is saved from the bullet after a racing injury by her broke trainer. Apparently, the story was inspired by truth - and the fiction element was no more obvious than in one scene. When describing a great stallion, the character referred to him as "one of the greatest horses that ever raced - he even won the Dubai World Cup".

Hmmmm. A horse being defined in its greatness as the winner of the Dubai World Cup is about as likely as Elvis working down the chip shop. Especially for the parochial Yanks, 99% of whom wouldn't know where Dubai was, let alone send a horse to race there. Blatant product placement if ever I heard it.....

Hawk-eyed

2006-02-18T21:45:00.000+04:00

Sheikh Zayed road is full of new billboards proclaiming the wonders of Falcon City - at least seven wonders at last count. It's a shame that the logo looks nothing like a falcon (and looks like it says TC not FC) but I guess an apartment in Budgie City just wouldn't be as desirable.

Incidentally, when googling Falcon City, it resulted in the following message from Google.

We're sorry...... but your query looks similar to automated requests from a computer virus or spyware application. To protect our users, we can't process your request right now.

Sinister forces at work? Quite possibly - and that's before broaching the topic of why anyone would want to recreate the Eiffel Tower in the middle of the desert. As the Eiffel Tower isn't one of the seven wonders of the world, it could be a sign of impending French invasion.

A day filled with zero romance

2006-02-14T22:44:00.000+04:00

I hate Valentine's Day. The concept doesn't work on any level: if you're single, it'll make you depressed or worried you have a stalker. If you're coupled up, it's either a waste of money, or you get into trouble for forgetting / not giving a nice enough present / booking a swanky enough restaurant / honestly answering the question "does my bum look big in this".

However you look at it, it's one day a year that is guaranteed to go as limp as the cheap red roses from the petrol station forecourt. And this year, my February 14 hit a new record low when I was stood up by my gay best friend. Enough said.

All a-quiver

2006-02-05T01:20:00.000+04:00

It seems that customs personnel at Dubai airport are really having to be vigilant these days. Following on from Mercy's failed rabbit rescue mission, the uniforms had to pull over a modern-day Robin Hood. Clover's new acquaintance Will got stopped a couple of days ago when entering the country with a bow and a quiver full of arrows.

After eight hours in their "care", Will was released and sent on his way. Clover had to go and rescue him, and on grilling him, heard that his hobby was archery. While a commendable pastime, it's probably not the best idea in the world to try and bring a medieval weapon through customs here - unless you're planning to rob the rich and give to the poor in the tradition of that good ole folk hero from Ye Auld England.

A touch of Frost

2006-02-02T03:49:00.000+04:00

Frosty, Dubai's favourite media tartlet until he went back to UK, has decided to supplement his freelance writing career with a new part-time job. He's enlisted as a male "companion" on a premium website. The site, which we'll call Platinum Escorts, simply because the proxy won't let me confirm the URL, offers entertainment from a host of top-quality dates.

Frosty can't see the problem: "You don't have to do anything at the end of the evening, and you get paid far more for chat and flattery than for churning out articles for substandard magazines." Well, if it pays more and hurts less, why not?

Get stuffed ....

2006-01-24T19:52:00.000+04:00

Life just isn't fair for Amber, who is constantly fighting the urge to shove skinny women down the drainpipes at Media City. Her case isn't helped by the fact that in the vicinity of her office is a pizza-guzzling part-time model.

Amber is battling a second urge - to stuff her face with Cinnabons - after the latest travesty. "Today she's chomping down a Big Mac and large fries. Unfortunately, she seems really nice, which is a real pain in the (tiny size 0) butt - according to the sister code, I have to hate her."

Delayed broadcast

2006-01-20T18:31:00.000+04:00

Jefferson texted me from across town to let me know that E! Online's Live from the Red Carpet at the Golden Globes was on - knowing that this is my idea of celluloid (and cellulite-free) heaven. But when I turned on the TV, I had a completely different programme on and Live from the Red Carpet didn't start for another 30 mins. Since when did Dubai span across more than one time zone?

Stop, look, and listen

2006-01-18T18:27:00.000+04:00

As you leave the BurJuman car park, there's a sign informing motorists that they should stop for the red light, and go at the green. Helpful road information of course, but it seems that this is a case of closing the stable / car door after the horse has escaped - you'd hope the rudiments of traffic lights would have been learned by the time people started to drive, let alone negotiate a Dubai car park.

Non-relief aid

2006-01-14T21:28:00.000+04:00

Poor Mercy. Her festive spirit was significantly dampened when flying back into Dubai after her holiday recently. She was detained at Customs for trying to import a rabbit (not of the pet animal kind, but a member of the Sex and the City species). Luckily, shame and embarrassment no longer form part of her vocabulary - "it would have been a whole lot worse if I had been travelling with my family," she points out.

Apparently, the Dubai customs men were nice and polite, asking her first if she had "anything rubber" in her case, before spelling it out in single syllables when her jetlag-fuddled mind failed to get the drift. "They took me into a private room and asked me if I would unpack the offending item, which was luckily sealed, unused and wrapped, therefore not likely to whizz and jump around the floor.

"When I handed it over, they did ask me if I was sure I didn't have anything else in my case - and did I have any handcuffs with me. By this time, I was able to see the funny side, and responded 'not this time, officer'."

After filling in forms, Mercy was released with no charge (certainly no electrical charge anyway) and rather quaintly, the officers handed her back the unused batteries. Of course, she should have known better, but tried to justify the shenanigans by saying there were no written rules of what she wasn't allowed to bring into the country. "And besides, whoever would have thought nine inches of rubber would show up on an airport x-ray machine?"

Kissing with confidence

2006-01-13T21:17:00.000+04:00

At a recent party in Jumeirah, the delicate issue of etiquette came up in conversation, particularly when it comes to kissing. Is it one, two or three kisses? The wrong guess can leave a girl lunging into thin air, or avoiding a prematurely proffered cheek. After years leaving here in Dubai, the standard formula seems to be: 1 = Dubai new blood, usually a reserved Brit; 2 = Dubai native; 3 = Lebanese or hot-blooded Spaniard.

And what about the degree of proximity of the kiss? Cheek? Millimetres away? Just a gesture inches away from the face? Or, in my case with Tall Paul, about a foot away from his head despite being on tiptoes and platform shoes at the time. In the mega-diverse Dubai of today, all rules seem to have gone out of the window, particularly thanks to an increasing number of PR bunnies - mwah mwah - and UK chavs, who seem to slobber over anything that moves.

So, over to etiquette expert Philip Howard, writing in The Times. He says: There is no "correct" custom, just custom. In my observation, British females are almost as enthusiastic kissers as the French, though perhaps a little less elegant at the performance. The British simulated "Mwaagh, Mwaagh," is Charlene and naff. But whether in Middlesborough or Marseille it is good manners to let the lady lead. Boy scouts: girl guides.

Let the ladies also select which cheek to start with. In London the left cheek first is favoured by about 63 per cent of kissers. The number of kisses is also best left to the female. One is cold. Two kisses are regular. Three or more are a bit continental.

Of course, Mercy had to have the last word. "For me, it's on the lips or nothing these days - cheeks are so 2003."

From Blackpool to Riyadh

2005-12-31T00:21:00.000+04:00

While watching Flog It on BBC today (a ghastly programme where pikey people flog their relatives' prized possessions, usually "for a bit o' cash to spend on a five day break in Tenerife") the commentator started talking about the Blackpool illuminations. The illuminations are a 6 mile visual assault of flashing lights and fairground attractions, peppered with dodgy nightclubs - tacky but fabulous.

Apparently, the illuminations are much sought-after for resale purposes. According to the nice man they were interviewing: "We sell loads to Skegness. And even to Saudi Arabia. One year, Colonel Gaddafi tried to buy the whole lot!" Apparently, the market value for 6 miles of flashing lights is more than £9 million... glad to see that's what is catching the eye of Arab leaders these days.

Falling foul of the census

2005-12-21T08:54:00.000+04:00

I had a call from Newman yesterday, to say that Dubai Municipality had come to my apartment and wanted to ask me some questions about the census. Why is it that mention of the census brings out the guilty schoolkid in all of us? When asked if I lived alone, I had to say yes, even though I have been harbouring fugitives - both friends and family - all year.

Unfortunately, Newman and I forgot to get the story straight on why he was in my apartment. I told the Municipality man on the phone that it was my cousin; Newman said he was a friend. Oops. Needless to say, they're coming back again (and Newman's hiding behind the curtains).

After all, unmarried men and women living together is technically illegal here, yet of course, loads of people do it, whether as couples, or house share enforced by exorbitant rents. And yes, they have been known to enforce this - two couples I know were jailed for cohabiting.

The Lion, the Witch and the WTO

2005-12-20T15:22:00.000+04:00

Newshound Tim has sent me a story that ran on a financial news wire in Asia today, AFX. It's staggeringly good, though I have no idea how it got through the editorial radar) ....

WTO MEETING - Narnia walks out of talks; says tired of EU, US 'bullying'
HONG KONG - The independent state of Narnia has walked out of trade negotiations here, citing pressure from the European Union and the US to enforce liberalization of its garment-related sector.

Narnian spokeswoman Susan Aslan said in a statement that delegates "were tired of bullying by EU and US delegations and would be returning immediately to their state capital at Cair Parvel."

Having said that, it's about as plausible as half the news announcements in Dubai this year - who remembers Rotating City? Or even Chess City, where you could in theory live in Pawn Tower?

Great Expectations

2005-12-19T14:03:00.000+04:00

Amber and Chip have taken the idea of a modern marriage to extreme. Chip has taken to reading What to Expect When You're Expecting in the vain hope his wife will get the message (at least, Amber hopes it's a hint and not a sign of something altogether stranger). And, at Chip's office party, he was chatting away with three mothers, pumping them for info, while Amber kept sneaking off to watch the football.

When asked if Chip had any insights to share on their hopefully-impending family expansion, Amber mumbles: "Dunno. It's a massive book, so I'm hoping he'll just give me the edited version to save me reading it. I'm contemplating using it for a door stop or for weight training, but he reads it every night till I drag it off him."

Monkey business

2005-12-18T13:19:00.000+04:00

After what seems like forever, King Kong has arrived in Dubai cinemas. Newman and I trekked across to Grand Cineplex to see it, and were disappointed. Yes, it is the finest film to star a monkey in the last 20 years, but that doesn't say much - remember Marky Mark Wahlberg's shockingly bad remake of Planet of the Apes, or even the kids' movie VIP (Very Important Primate?), and Spanking the Monkey.

The CGI was far less believable than in the director's fantasy epic Lord of the Rings, and there were just too many dinosaurs. But, what is truly unforgiveable, is that King Kong changed size several times. When the waifly screamer Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts) was sitting in his palm, she was dwarfed. Yet when he was lying prostrate at the end, the bystanders were about the same size as his forearm.

But few cinematic experiences in Dubai are able to warm the cockles of my heart - thanks to the management's habit of turning the AC down to arctic. Even Grand Cineplex by Wafi (my preferred haunt as it used to be the warmest) has now graduated to two-pashmina status. Ibn Battuta and Mercato have one-sweater and pashmina ratings, but the worst offender is Metroplex on Sheikh Zayed Road, which demands full thermals, socks, gloves and a balaclava.

Changing values for Al Wasel

2005-12-17T08:58:00.000+04:00

Why has Etisalat changed its Al Wasel cards to Dhs25 from Dhs30? It's bad enough having to have a pikey top-up pay-as-you-go phone, without having to scrape more cards for the same credit. But as long as a Dhs5 change in value justified the move for Etisalat ....

2005-12-12T18:29:00.000+04:00

The real DIFF - Swoony Clooney in Arabia

2005-12-12T14:15:00.000+04:00

Syriana, the movie shot partly on location in Dubai, is about to open in America. The film's writer-director Stephen Gaghan claims the film will help moviegoers understand some of the intricacies of Middle East politics.

According to the New York Daily News, Gaghan said: "To see people sacrifice their personal ethical systems in the face of money and power isn't unique to Persian Gulf kingdoms. It happens in Hollywood every day."

The film is about oil, power and politics in the Middle East, and Gaghan gave a real insight into majlis speak. "There are some real similarities in the way that powerful men talk in [Washington] D.C. and the way they talk in Beirut, Damascus or Dubai."

Sadly, I don't know anyone in Dubai that talks like Swoony Clooney, but there you go. For the record, Matt Damon is apparently much smaller in real life than he looks on celluloid "and a bit disappointing" according to one ~~Damon demon stalker~~ friend of mine.

Slow-mo travel

2005-12-11T19:24:00.000+04:00

New record set by moi on the return from Europe. 110 minutes after the plane landed, I finally exited the terminal - somehow, I can't see them mentioning that in the marketing material. It's true, I don't have an e-gate card so have to take some responsibility for this - but every tourist flying in at the same time had the same wait. Marhaba and welcome to our staggeringly long queues for the passport counters, which are never more than half open regardless of how busy it is, and to our extra scanning machines, while we make you rescan all the hand luggage you just scanned two minutes earlier.

Of course I haven't even touched on the new "shuttle bus system" from the plane direct to passport control. Rather fittingly for Dubai, even the airport bus managed to find a traffic jam (near unloading bay number 3 if I recall) and got stuck for ages.

Pedestrian safety

2005-12-10T16:06:00.000+04:00

Driving to the capital last week, a mega accident was narrowly avoided by some swift swerving as a man ran across the Sheikh Zayed road. This used to be very common about six or seven years ago, when there was a spate of fatalities on the highway oppposite the Trade Centre apartments (rumoured to be suicides to claim on life insurance for the families). This led to the wire netting in the central reservation.

Recently, and possibly due to the increasing number of construction sites in Dubai, there seem to be more and more labourers trying to cross the highway at great risk to themselves and to others. In recent months, two acquaintances have been jailed for killing men crossing the highway at night, even though neither driver was driving recklessly (and neither had been drinking).

What's the solution? More rigorous policing of pedestrians trying to cross the road? More foot bridges? Something needs to be done, for sure. In these two cases, two families have been bereaved, and the drivers are mentally scarred for life - needlessly.

Skype-tastic

2005-12-07T15:53:00.000+04:00

From the chilly streets of Europe, I've been following Etisalat's commitment to blocking Skype (at least it's showing commitment to something). Just to be tricksy, I've been gleefully purchasing credit for SkypeOut from a (non-blocked) server in the city of culture.

Now, not only can I speak to friends and family for free, I can also call everyone else for 0.017 Euros a minute. Yes, Etisalat, that means I can reduce my home phone bill and save you profiting from my wanton overseas calling. Got it? It's money you aren't making. Of course, this is all academic, and will turn round and bite me when Skype is blocked. So, till then, I'll get maximum usage of my 1960s-style headset and microphone.

Alternatively, Etisalat could invest in buying Skype-esque technology and licensing it to users for a (limited) subscription fee. Another Dhs10 a month on top of the ~~already exorbitant~~ amazingly reasonable ADSL monthly subscription is acceptable to most people, whereas blocking the competition isn't.

Bored of the dry season

2005-12-06T19:50:00.000+04:00

Mercy claims she's lost her mojo, after a particulary long 'dry season', so the girls are full speed ahead on finding her a long cool drink of water (prepare for some metaphor-tastic prose as they run with this theme).

Sonya texted today: "Just seen a safari driver that is *breathtakingly* gorgeous. And he's a UAE national, so perfect for Mercy - dry season is approaching its end and the rainy season is nigh."

When Mercy protested that her dry season seemed to defy all natural forces, Sonya responded: "We'll find her an oasis, or build her a temporary falaj to quench her thirst."

Amber, in her normal direct fashion, asks: "Forget a sip of water, she'd rather have an oil slick ....."

With writing this poetic, we're all set to write our first slush novel.

Alien invasion

2005-12-05T22:23:00.000+04:00

Dubai's taken on a distinctly surreal look of late. First, we had the bright green strobe gobo lights from the Burj Al Arab, which looked like they were guiding alien crafts into land. Then came the oversized upright cartoon pseudo-horses, with Elvis quiffs and better pecs than Brad Pitt.

Bridget reckons they are the modern equivalent of the Trojan Horse, with lots of invading non-Earthlings ready to pounce. Nicely imaginative, just like the anatomy of these comedy horses, but about as relevant .... Put it this way, I can't see them inspiring Steven Spielberg's latest epic.

Secret Agent

2005-12-05T22:11:00.000+04:00

Following on from another lunch at the scene of the battery-operated lipstick debacle, sources tell me that the original swanky pants store, Agent Provocateur, may / may not be selling "toys" in its Saks Fifth Avenue concession in BurJuman. I called Amber up to tell her the news, at which point she said: "Three-speed platinum rabbit for me please, wrapped up nice for Christmas."

Election fever in UAE?

2005-12-01T14:30:00.000+04:00

Top newshound Tim has just texted me - "elections coming to UAE"...

Am on the case.

(Of course, it could be Tim's latest wind-up ... last stunt he pulled was to tell me a CEO I know had been fired, and he told me just as I was about to call said CEO).

Gridlock

2005-11-23T21:50:00.000+04:00

The trouble with living in a city that is midway through a major growth spurt is how it affects the roads. Not to moan about traffic, but the fact that every primary road in Dubai is having major roadworks over the same area at the same time. So, when there's a major accident on one, as has happened a couple of times on Sheikh Zayed Road near Mall of the Emirates, the city is poleaxed.

In a 21st century version of the Wacky Races this morning, traffic updates are sent via text ('cos we can't talk on the phone while driving, silly') across each road. Something like this:

Me: Two hours later, still stuck, tried to be clever and track through Knowledge Village but road is closed. Am back where I started. Is it home time yet?

JJ: Highway's nuts. Beyatch Road is blocked too. Gaaaah.

Linda: Deserve a medal for getting here - am exhausted.

The Frenchman: Am in camel and bandit country, Ras Al Khaimah.

Mercy: Move over Phileas Fogg, I've been round Dubai in 80 days. Muscles have atrophied from being stuck behind the steering wheel for so long. Have lost the will to go on.

Mike: Still in bed. Staying here.

Tim, who lives near the Burj, deserts the beach road and goes back over the highway, through Emaarville, and then back over the highway to Dubai Media City and still gets there before any of us.

The simple answer seems to stagger the road planning to protect our exit routes when the highway gets blocked.

No love lost for Lovejoy

2005-11-16T20:25:00.000+04:00

The Yanks have finally lost it with the news that Ian "Lovejoy" McShane has been voted No.10 in their sexiest man alive poll. Apparently it's the 'tache and the Blackburn accent that does it .... wonder what Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and George Clooney (none in the top 10) think of that? Unless the top 10 has been designed to be ethnically, ageically and politically correct?

The great escape?

2005-11-16T19:08:00.000+04:00

Stories of Michael Jackson's Gulf tour of duty - as well as his questionable bathroom habits - have reached his homeland of America. The New Yawk gossip pages recount tales of Wacko in shopping malls, as well as his plans to buy an island home in Bahrain (wasn't The World good enough?).

As always, the final word goes to E! Online's uber-gossipist Ted Casablanca. He reckons MJ's move to Bahrain reeks of Roman Polanski's justice evasion tactics in France. Sadly, Ted lets himself down by demonstrating how few Americans are able to distinguish between Saudi Arabia and any other country here in the Gulf.

Michael's in Muscat

2005-11-15T23:50:00.000+04:00

Relief at last: on the seventh day, there was paper.

Meanwhile, and probably not linked, Michael Jackson is currently staying in the Grand Hyatt in Muscat - either he's trying to increase his air miles by adding another GCC state to his tour of duty, or else he's seeking pastures new.

Why are we waiting?

2005-11-14T09:13:00.000+04:00

Day 5 in the Big Brother house, and the inmates are still suffering as Big Brother withholds the right to the basic human necessity of loo paper. We'd be staging a sit-in if we thought it would do any good.....

Loo watch

2005-11-13T17:37:00.000+04:00

The proverbial has really hit the fan. It turns out that there is a Dubai Media City shortage on toilet paper - according to Facilities, they have had no stock of the white stuff since the end of last week. We've been on Loo Watch since Thursday evening, mistakenly blaming the cleaners for forgetting to replenish stocks, and apparently Facilities have been flooded with complaints this morning.

After another call this morning, when every bathroom - ladies and gents - in our building had run out of paper as well as the scratchy paper hand towels, we were informed that Facilities have not been provided with supplies from DMC management. Calls to colleagues in the other Phases confirm that this is indeed the case across the whole of Dubai Media City.

So, we're left to wait ... and wait ... to the extent that all trips out of the free zone are accompanied by a pit stop of the non-petrol variety (including me in a hotel VIP majlis wash room this afternoon). A phrase springs to mind about organising and brewery.

Blue movie?

2005-11-12T20:31:00.000+04:00

Today at Virgin, rifling through the Recommended DVD section, I came across the Bollywood romantic thriller Jism. Or it might have been Jism Ka Richta - I was scurrying away in shame and didn't take time to read the DVD case. But three cheers for Virgin - who said viewer freedom didn't exist?

Power surge

2005-11-04T15:43:00.000+04:00

Out to lunch with the girls, and we nearly brought Ibn Battuta to a standstill. While comparing purchases, and nosing around in each other's handbags, I got Amber's make-up bag out to raid it. Having discarded her eyeshadows as being too minimalist, I got out a lipstick, and was just about to comment that the red didn't look like it would go with her colouring ...

.... when Amber almost threw herself across the table to hide the offending item that I was, by now, brandishing around the restaurant. It was only when Amber stopped blushing, and Sonya stopped crying with laughter (and the waiter hid with embarrassment) that I realised all was not what it seemed. This 'lipstick' was in fact battery-operated.

By the time pudding came round, I couldn't bear it any more. "Just what kind of shopping trip did you think we were going on that you felt the need to bring a little extra sumthin sumthin?" Amber answered, matter-of-factly: "Well, I carry it around with me most of the time. Sometimes you get bored in the office, or on a long flight, and you need a little extra entertainment."

Quite.

You're nicked ...

2005-11-04T07:17:00.000+04:00

The headlines were dominated back in Britain by news that Eastenders' Mitchell bruiser bruvvers, Grant and Phil, had been laid into by their other halves. Police were called when Ross Kemp (Grant) suffered 'a cut lip' during a fracas with wife Rebekah. The fiery female is none other than editor of The Sun, who recently ran a campaign against domestic violence. Meanwhile, Steve McFadden (Phil) got in a scrap with his ex-missus as well.

Well-connected media pals in London have been speculating about it - "it sounded like a bit like a wind-up at first," said Kenny, "but there have been some excellent stories doing the rounds. You just couldn't make this sort of stuff up." Popbitch, that source of all great industry gossip, hints: Why did Rebekah Wade attack Ross Kemp? Presumably for a bedroom indiscretion, but did she really stab him? And what was the gender of the third party?

Speaking to my sister Janie, we did have a laugh about how it hardly sat well with images of the boys as Cockney hardmen in EE. "I have to say they've looked a bit wussy since their return," said Janie. "They don't look like they are up to the hands-on kind of 'reasoning' they used to do - so make do with looking well 'ard."

Mind you, Janie missed the news breaking in UK. "I was too busy listening to the new Michael Ball and Westlife albums."

Janie's still trying to get over the news that her favourite upper-class balladeer had a one-night stand with a struggling actor she knows. "All this time, I thought he was tortured by breaking up with his girlfriend. He's not a sensitive soul in touch with his emotions - he's just bi."

In-flight entertainment

2005-11-03T06:56:00.000+04:00

Flying back to Dubai, one of the on-board films featured the actress I went to school with, who pops up in conversation occasionally. Although it clashed with a distinctly average romcom I wanted to watch - mainly because Chris 'Mr Big' Noth was in it - I tuned in for a bit. While I have to admit the girl's done good, it was a bit hard to tell from this Lara Croft lite wanna-be Angelina role. She was supposed to be a martial arts expert, but you only ever saw the hand chops, and the edge of a foot ... none of the Charlie's Angels manoueuvres here. She was starring alongside a TV heartthrob, and at one time utters the line: "I am so far out of your league." Er, so not true, dear.

Reality check

2005-11-02T07:03:00.000+04:00

And in case I got too carried away in my Jules Verne-esque lightning trip around the southern hemisphere, there were a few messages to bring me back down to earth.

Danny: "The Melbourne Cup tip you gave me was crap. Am never listening to you again."

Harper: "Couldn't get you any orange Aeros in duty free, will mint do? PS am texting this from 35,000 feet, so might bring the BA flight crashing down."

James: "The tie you gave me has mysteriously changed colour. Not sure it goes with my shirt any more."

Family: "When are you coming home for Christmas?"

Amber: "The models are eating pizza again, but their butts are shrinking... Save me."

Model behaviour

2005-11-02T06:51:00.000+04:00

Beverley regaled us with tales of a trip to Dubai last year, where she was following the normal itinerary of a business trip: boozy lunches, bit of work, straight out, drink copious amounts of wine, fall over, go to a dive of a club, get introduced to Bullfrogs by sniggering Dubai hosts, dance around, and stumble back at 3am, and wake up at 7am to do it all again.

Only this time, Beverley was hosting an fashion event, complete with the requisite number of media lackeys, guzzling free drink and trying to get off with the glamorous - yet uber-dim - 18-year-old models. Midway through the night, at a club Bev can't even remember the name of, one of the models turned her attentions in another direction.

Beverley said: "It's not the lipstick lesbian thing that bothered me the most - and yes, she did use her tongue - but the fact I was totally unprepared, and got an attack of the panics in case I was crap. And, as she completely blanked me at the airport the next day, perhaps I was ...."

Going underground

2005-11-02T06:47:00.000+04:00

Trekking out to the sticks - I was "keeping it real" and was determined to see how the village-dwellers lived - I battled my way on the underground, where the entire 7 million population seemed to be on the tube at the same time (yes, that's 14 million elbows). Arriving at the end of my journey, the escalators up were all closed down for "energy saving". Whose energy were they saving? Not mine, as I puffed my way up umpteen flights of steps.

Asian games

2005-11-01T16:14:00.000+04:00

During a recent trip to Asia, I met up with Bart and Beverley, who were appointed tour guides and entertainment gurus for my brief jaunt. Coming out of dinner, we were accosted by a woman offering us a special deal at The Eden. Quite what she thought we were up to, I'm not sure, as it seems The Eden rents its rooms out for "flexible sessions".

The Eden - A tryst in the garden of earthly delights. Sumptuous down-filled beddings, flexible sessions, private boutique hotel for couples.

Fair enough till Bart pointed out that the shortest time you could rent a room was a two hour regular session. "That's all well and good, but they'd better have decent satellite and a mini bar to fill up the other 1 hour and 50 minutes," he said. "And as for the three hour extended session - not bloody likely."

Aussie rules

2005-10-28T06:09:00.000+04:00

Have come Down Under for a few days of work, as well as to catch up with Danny and James, who I haven't seen for years. James did the city end of my trip, complete with drinks at high-altitude bars, as well as a whistle-stop tour of the city. Danny took care of the weekend, including barbecue and road trip.

So, I can confirm the following: have driven past Palm Beach and seen the beach where they film Home & Away, as well as the Surf Club building. Have seen a wallaby, flying fox, possum, cockatoo and a bush fire. Ate in a posh restaurant opposite the Opera House and got bitten by mosquitos. Had all four seasons over one weekend. Tried six types of Aussie beer and none of them were Fosters or Castlemaine XXXX. Passed an island called Scotland. I still don't understand Aussie rules. They watch way too much Jerry Springer here. Australian Idol isn't as good as American Idol. Cathay Pacific should be renamed Crappy Pacific.

Off to Asia now, on the way back to Dubai.

Choc ice

2005-10-25T03:01:00.000+04:00

There's a new contender for the title of "coldest place in Dubai" - and it's not the Ski Dome. The cinema at Ibn Battuta is positively arctic (much colder than the Metropolitan on Sheikh Zayed Road); I swear my whole system shut down about 45 minutes into a night showing of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

And after watching Tim Burton's scenes of the first ever totally chocolate palace in the world, I reckon it's only a matter of time before they build it in Dubailand.

Overheard today ....

2005-10-19T23:03:00.000+04:00

Life's a bitch and I'm her puppy.

Humanitarians are like vegetarians - they just eat people.

And finally, a beginner at a shisha tent asked: "Do I suck or blow?"

Death by fairy light

2005-10-19T22:45:00.000+04:00

Today was a day of two cultures. First stop was iftar at Automatic restaurant on the beach road, where we had an authentic feast, washed down with the far-from-authentic music of The Carpenters. According to those fasting in our office, this year has been a lot easier than usual. Mo said: "There are so many good Arabic shows on television during Ramadan. Really, it's just like American television - we're waiting for Desperate Dishdashes."

After iftar, Amber and I went to the launch of the new Christmas collection at The One, where the interiors store invited the whole of Upper Umm Sequiem to wade through the baubles, velvet cushions and candles in return for an opening night 10 per cent discount. After two hours spent in the festive extravaganza, to the Christmas tunes of Chris Rea, The Pogues and Smith&Jones with Kim Wilde, we had to leave, eyes weary from a fairy light-related visual assault.

Full of Eastern promise

2005-10-14T22:19:00.000+04:00

Stumbling across a Mills and Boon-style site for romantic slush novels with a touch of Turkish Delight, Sonya and I are considering writing one of our own. Taking handy hints from novel-writing software, we figure it can't be too hard. After all, the ingredients are simple: take one swarthy Arab, add one feisty Western female (no stereotype trolley dollies here), and throw in a few nights of passion - against her will at first - in a Bidouin tent.

Take for example, a story particularly close to our heart. In his determination to save his desert land of Ras al Hajar, Prince Hassan al Rashid decides to attract the world's attention by kidnapping the beautiful fiery-haired English journalist, Rose Fenton.

Or what about this tale, which could almost be transposed to modern-day Dubai: public relations executive Genevieve Jordan travels to Kashkiri to plan an international conference and falls in love with brooding Lord Ali Ben Hari.
And here's a dilemma for the modern working woman: to keep a lucrative account for her finance firm, Megan O'Connell travels to Suliyam with Sheikh Qasim, who tells her she must marry him in order to protect her from tribal leaders.

For inspiration, the site lists the themes available in the series, and readers can choose from meddling family members, marriages of convenience, and quickie weddings which all sound just too TomKat (Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes) for words.

But the stand-out offering comes from Laura Wright, in her book The Sultan's Bed. Here's the synopsis and an extract:

Every day in court, divorce attorney Mariah Kennedy pits herself against rich, ruthless men...and usually wins. Her new neighbor, the Sultan of Emand, Zayad Al Nayhal, with his arrogance and air of command, is exactly the type she had learned not to trust. But his mesmerizing good looks and irresistible charm soon chips away at her best defenses.

Excerpt from the book:

He said, "Perhaps I was looking for you." Her heart literally fluttered. Foolish, foolish girl. "And why would that be?"
"Perhaps I wish to know more about this--" he studied her with a lazy, hooded gaze "--fiery woman who lives beside me." Fiery! She nearly blushed. Nearly.
"Well, there's not much to tell," she said, running her fork back and forth through the fig compote. Lord, he had extraordinary eyes--so black, but flecked with gold. A woman could get lost in those eyes if she wasn't careful. Good thing Mariah was careful.

With fig compote around, who said romance was dead?

Sex kitten

2005-10-13T12:43:00.000+04:00

According to The Telegraph, boot-cut trousers and kitten heels are dead. Not so in Dubai, says Martha, who announces that "Dubai's like so a year behind in fashion terms." A sigh of relief from the females in Upper Beirut (Dubai Media City) who have become surgically attached to their low-riders and strappy sandals. Martha continues: "Kitten heels are just so practical for a working girl - flats are too boho, stilettos too impractical."

Martha's got a bit of a shoe thing, but bemoans the fact that the Dubai climate restricts her footwear options. "Boots are my favourite but it's just too damn hot. I have a zillion pairs, just wasting away." Martha's love of boots was inspired by her ex-boyfriend's love of the same thing. "He used to ask me to keep on my Lycra knee-highs at all times - and I mean all times.... At first it was great as I tapped into my inner vixen - until I got cramp in my foot. Goodbye vixen, hello cripple."

False fag alarm

2005-10-13T12:26:00.000+04:00

There's been an incident in the building; everyone stay where you are.

A typically cryptic message over the loudspeakers of one of the buildings in The City, which caused Amber to call me in a breathless panic. "Tell my husband I love him and in case you need to identify me, I'm wearing a denim skirt, red top, and clean underwear in case I have to go to hospital. Phew."

Needless to say, the panic wasn't entirely justified. Apparently, it was because somebody had been smoking in the bathrooms - not a good idea since The City is now non-smoking, plus it's Ramadan.

Amber called me back, panic replaced by grumpiness. "I bet it's one of the skinny-assed models from next door. It's bad enough that they stuff their face with pizza in front of me, which ruins my no-carb karma. Then they parade around in front of the bathroom mirrors complaining about their non-existent butts. To ruin my day by illegal smoking is just rude."

News flash (apparently)

2005-10-10T09:43:00.000+04:00

Today's headline of the day from www.ameinfo.com is MasterCard Consumer Lifestyle Survey reveals travelers use credit cards to make variety of purchases. Truly insightful.

Mish-mash

2005-10-08T19:38:00.000+04:00

To the bank, who sent me the same Ramadan Kareem SMS a total of 21 times within 12 minutes today .... no, I am no longer enjoying the Holy Month.

Dubai's Trump card?

2005-10-08T08:53:00.000+04:00

So, Trump Tower is finally coming to town. According to reports, it's a tulip-shaped building on a palm-shaped island - sounds so green and environmentally-aware - and brings together "two of the world's flashiest developers". A dipstick survey of colleagues in The City reveals mixed opinions: it looks like one of the evil kingpin's lairs in a James Bond film, where rockets are launched through the top; bug's eyes; or an Easter egg.

But the most interesting image is one provided by Dido, who suggests: "It's almost like The Donald's own head except sideways ... at least that way his hair will stay in place." Which got us to thinking, what other celebrity monuments could we come up with for Dubai?

We could have the Clinton tower - tall, permanently upright building with the Lewinsky Plaza located lower down. Or will Oprah be next? And if so, architects will need to create a flexible shape that can contract and expand with the seasons. What about if Jacko decides to develop in Dubai? It would have to be buildings around the age of 12 to 14 years for possession and redevelopment. And it finally solves the question of what the Beckhams' property on the Palm would look like... Two buildings side by side for the cameras one side, but far apart from the other angle. One would have a permanent orange glow and would have a massive roof on top of a stick-thin main tower, while the other would be have a roof that changed its style every month, had new murals on its walls (usually in unintelligible ancient scripts) and was fully IT-compliant with free text messaging thrown in.

Ramadan reflections

2005-10-07T21:41:00.000+04:00

Ramadan is traditionally a time for reflection and introspection, and in The Cities, it's causing most smokers to reflect on how much a nicotine fix is worth. For Harper and his pals, it's worth the shame - and pain - of hiding in a bougainvillea bush where the pursuit of a closet puff is rewarded by thorns in the bottom. The City is now smoke-free, with the afflicted given nowhere to indulge... apart from building 3 foodcourt, where Mrs Cooper tells us that "anything goes".

There are many different approaches to the Holy Month. Sonya, a Brit and a non-Muslim, fasts every year and is doing "really well, and loving the dates" this year. Meanwhile, Ahmed (a Muslim) has admitted he's doing Ramadan Lite - "no eating or drinking, but quite a few impure thoughts".

It's easy for those who work in offices all day to forget the rules, not least me, who managed to fall foul of several simultaneously (drinking, chewing gum and live music while speeding down the Sheikh Zayed road) before remembering. But the most blatant offender has to be Clover, who admitted to eating pork scratchings in daylight hours.

Black comedy

2005-10-03T20:44:00.000+04:00

There are some things a girl is just better off not knowing - and it's a shame Sonya didn't abide by this unwritten rule when calling me up to tell me she was mega excited to be on a boat with "comedian" Jim Davidson. Apparently, she had a teen crush on him, alongside Philip Schofield, which she has never shrugged off completely.

Not even the crude comments and double entendres could sway Sonya until she had an epiphany midway round the press cruise up the Creek. She texted me an urgent plea for help: "Bobby Davro's here in November. I fancied him when I was 11. Kill me now."

Mouth to mouth abhorration

2005-10-01T08:51:00.000+04:00

There's some strange Dubai affliction that results in a swollen lip. I've had it a couple of times, where my top lip swells up overnight: while I was hoping it made me look like Angelina, it actually looks like I've had a major dose of bad collagen. It's happened a couple of times to my best pal Newman, only it makes him look like he got in a scrap.

Anyway, I've woken up with the early signs - and not sure whether to retreat into hermitsville now, or live with the fact I look like a mutant. Needless to say, it's comedy value for all my friends, and not helping my nerves over a huge work event tomorrow! Maybe it's a reaction to all the butt-kissing I've had to do this week?

POSTSCRIPT: Lipwatch episode two - Newman's lip swelled up just 12 hours after mine, amid much muttering (his) of me practising voodoo after he sniggered at my mouth misfortune.

Thelma and Brain-freeze

2005-09-30T14:19:00.000+04:00

There's a reason why Thelma and Louise's road trip didn't end well. Women should not be trusted to travel alone. Bridget and I are examples of this after an accident-prone trip to Bahrain.

Firstly, Bridget lost the keys to the case carrying our mega presentation, which resulted in a trip to a DIY store to get the lock ripped off. Then, we had to summon the car hire company as the car wasn't moving - they could barely contain their laughter as they told us we had to turn the engine on first (don't ask). We were forced to sip on restorative shandies until some semblance of dignity was restored.

Finally, I had to snap back into reality after an attempt to stalk a cute guy on my flight. He was the spitting image of Jude Law, but with less metrosexual hair, and preppie glasses. When I saw him in Dubai Duty Free, speaking into his mobile with what can only be described as an Oirish lilt, I was rendered speechless (and motionless) in the Chablis aisle.

Unrest in Umm Sequiem

2005-09-30T13:04:00.000+04:00

There's been a mini revolution in the heart of the suburbs, led by Jonny, who is harassing his local Starbucks for the return of his favourite snack, the chicken pasta salad.

According to Johnny, lunchtimes haven't been quite the same since they took CPS off the menu. After several words with the manager, they have reinstated it on the menu, but apparently it's from a different supplier and "the dressing is a bit manky".

So Johnny has literally started up a petition. Apparently he's not the only person whose life lacks a little je ne sais quoi: staff at this outlet have told him that his protest is gaining momentum as other customers add their name to the list. It's only a matter of time before customers take to the streets branding plastic coffee stirrers to get their own way.

Fancy equipment

2005-09-24T20:54:00.000+04:00

Driving along Diyafah Street today, I passed a building site. That in itself is hardly unusual - but this one had SCHWING cranes on site... Wayne & Garth would have been proud.

Trade Show Trauma

2005-09-24T10:38:00.000+04:00

Trade shows and exhibitions - the very phrase makes grown men cry and grown women want to get pregnant and give up work. In any one year, every hack, PR poppet and corporate suit-wearer will be subjected to the pain (mental and physical) of any one of the following: Arabian Travel Market; Cityscape; or GITEX - and the lucky few get the treble.

I've yet to discover who benefits from trade shows, apart from the hotels, and the poor staff at Cafe Convention in the Dubai International Convention Centre (DICC), who are run ragged, but sell lots of double strength espressos every morning. Local companies are only there because they have to be; ditto for journalists and PRs, who detest the shows. There are no good stories, the media limit their visits to a 90 second flurry in and out of the press centre, and the clients start complaining about coverage when they should be focusing on meeting with investors or key clients.

So, for every grey-faced suit that you see over town this month, be glad you too haven't been subjected to Trade Show Trauma.

A nod, a wink and a grope

2005-09-24T10:27:00.000+04:00

There must be something in the air. It seems all round Dubai, mojos are kicking back into action - but not necessarily in the right direction. Take Clover, for example. She was at a Spanish bar in town, having a spot of tapas & sangria and minding her own business, when the waitress brought over a napkin from "a gentleman at the bar". Clover gets starstruck, thinks she's in some rom-com movie, until she realises it's a greasy shiny suit-wearer, who hands over his name and number, but didn't even have the sense to send a bottle of champagne over with it. Doh. Needless to say, Clover didn't call him, nor did she respond to a second napkin declaring "you must be too shy to come and say hello".

Meanwhile, cut to me (same night) at the slightless less glam surroundings of the German pub at Jumeirah Beach Hotel, where a dress-wearer took advantage of Tall Boy's 90-second bathroom break to grope, suggest, and generally put me at unease. After a slurred mumble of "can i ssshhheeee you again" and a grope of the bottom, he snaffled one of my business cards left behind by a media mate, and started lungeing. Luckily, after a frantic "rescue me" text, Tall Boy emerged from the men's room to cut the man off in his prime.

Broken Windows

2005-09-08T23:25:00.000+04:00

My laptop's on the blink, which means the IT texhnician has been looking at it for a couple of days. Today's installment was no different: in fact, the IT man said "I think that there is a more sinister problem with the Operating System on your laptop than just a fault in Outlook".

Sinister? What is that in computer terms? Alien invasion? Freddie Kruger's taken residence in the hard drive? Some would argue that the most sinister thing is actually the "evil and incompetent" Microsoft operating system ...

Net results

2005-09-08T22:57:00.000+04:00

It has been my personal quest to get my full money's worth for my (usually super-slow) high-speed internet connection. A friend recommended Azareus.com for movie downloads, and I stared to download Mr & Mrs Smith. Five nights later - no exaggeration - the film was finally ready. I clicked to start it, and realised I had downloaded the French version. Brad saying "come to daddy" just doesn't seem the same.

Black eyed pee

2005-09-03T18:31:00.000+04:00

The Black-Eyed Peas, a band made up of some unfeasibly named types including Will.I.Am and apl.de.ap, will be playing in Dubai this week. Those who are standing near the stage should watch out - singer Fergie can get carried away.

Friends and Heirs

2005-09-01T21:50:00.000+04:00

Friends Reunited (as yet unblocked by our favourite telephony provider, unlike Friendster) was created to allow us to keep in touch with all our old friends from school.

Well, that may be the rationale, but we all know differently. Friends Reunited exists for the sole purpose of allowing us to feel smug about those who were mean to us at school and have faded into insignificance (or got pregnant at 19 and are living off the state) or to fuel dinner-party conversation.

For some reason, my class of female over-achievers has mostly migrated into struggling pseudo-entertainment. One is an actress on the fringes of Hollywood, best known for I'm not sure what, apart from being voted "most layable fresher" at university. Another has shaken off her legal aspirations and is currently a part-time DJ on Brighton pier.

But all pale in comparison to the Anahita, now going by the moniker of Princess Ann-Clair. She has her own reality show on E! TV, entitled Love is In the Heir.

According to the write-up: Ann Claire is rebelling against the stereotypical life of a traditional princess. She has moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career as a country-music singer. The video of for Rubber Hits The Road is quite staggeringly bad.

Cone-struction

2005-08-31T23:45:00.000+04:00

Driving up the Sufouh Road this morning, past Knowledge Village, I was baffled by a sign on the side of the road announcing the end of the roadworks, and thanking drivers for their patience. If that sign marked the end of the roadworks, what is the explanation for the upheaval outside Royal Mirage, up past Dubai Marina and up to Jumeirah Beach Residence? Those traffic cones are a dead give-away ......

Between the covers

2005-08-27T19:38:00.000+04:00

The internet's all well and good, but it lacks a little va-va-voom. Over the weekend, I've been contemplating bringing back the art of writing, on hand-made paper, and in a coloured ink like burgundy, purple or dark green. People will either think I've become the epitome of chic, or that I'm totally barking.

At www.smythson.com, you can check out the multi-Royal-warranted Smythson of Bond Street, who provide stationery and leather goods to the rich and famous, as well as the inhabitants of Buck House. Navigating past the Cosmic Diary and Royal Court Diary (so you can schedule your appointments not to clash with The Queen's birthday), and the fiendishly expensive bespoke writing paper, I stumbled across evidence of a sense of humour.

Take the Seduction Notes book. According to the description, it's a feint ruled notebook for those who wish to record their own art of seduction, with an index that includes Food and Wine, Music and Travel, you'll have no more excuses! Not entirely necessary, according to Super Ted, who swears a text message with "fancy a KFC and a snog" as the lights go on in Rock Bottom is just as effective - and a lot cheaper.

Or the Friends, Lovers and Husbands book, where you can keep track of the husbands you've had - and the women they belonged to .... and the Lovers and Losers address book, which presumably serves as a little black book with marks out of 10.

Or the Domestic Goddess book, which claims to give you room to write up your Houehold (sic) tips: perhaps they meant ho-hold tips, which would be better suited to the Seduction Notes book.

My favourite, though, was the tangerine pigskin Juicy Gossip book - never has something so unpalatable looked so cute.

Land of confusion

2005-08-20T13:48:00.000+04:00

The layout and signage (or lack thereof) at Souk Madinat is well known for being totally baffling to all but those armed with GPRS or SAS navigation skills.

It struck me this week that it isn't just inside the souk where confusion ensues. The buttons in the lifts from the car park are marked B, G and 1, when the in-lift notice rather confusingly refers to B2, B1 and G.

Inevitably, for someone who is locationally-challenged, I'm lost before I even get there.

You spin me right round

2005-08-15T08:00:00.000+04:00

The story of the rotating city made us all start singing the retro 80s camp classic by Dead or Alive (you spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record player, right round right round).

Spookily enough, lead singer Pete Burns pops up on the next website I check - www.awfulplasticsurgery.com - confirming it must be April 1 after all.

Spinning around

2005-08-15T07:28:00.000+04:00

According to a Dubai-based business magazine, plans are afoot to build the world's first "rotating city: in DubaiLand.

The report said: "The project’s planners have proposed that the development itself, as well as the individual properties it contains, will revolve. You will be able to acquire villas, apartments, floating villas on water, [and] flying villas [that] elevate in the air. So you have the accessibility to a villa that not only rotates on ground, but it gives you up to a 15 metre to 20 metre up in-the-air elevation."

No good for me, then, considering I get air-sick, sea-sick, motion-sick and am scared of heights.

Without a quote from anyone at DubaiLand, I'll check the calendar - sounds like it's April 1 to me.

Misty eyed

2005-08-11T09:15:00.000+04:00

The only good thing about the spate of heavy mists over the last few days is that they block out some of the unsightly construction (i.e. most of the further end of Dubai Marina). However, as the mist starts to lift, it looks more like Gotham City than ever up here.

Music maestro

2005-08-08T09:34:00.000+04:00

Thanks to the random playlist in my iPod, I'm discovering choons I forgot I had downloaded (in retrospect, there may have been a reason for them lying undiscovered for months).

First up is a Will Young cover of Sade's Your Love is King. This was on the Bridget Jones' Diary soundtrack, so is about as middle-of-the-road-adult-orientated-rock as they come. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I have it on my iPod, and more so when I discovered myself singing along.

One of the better finds was another cover, this one done for Jo Whiley on Radio 1. Lemar (product of a UK TV reality search-for-a-star show, like Will) did a version of I Believe in a Thing Called Love, which was a hit for the screeching, catsuit-wearing axemen, The Darkness. Lemar's version is cut with the Marvin Gaye classic What's Going On, as well as KC and JoJo. Sounds bizarre, but worth it.*

Suddenly, I seem to have reached the stage I promised myself I never would - where I end up listening to the Beeeeeeeeeeeta Mix on old people's radio, Emirates 2 FM.

* for anyone that's interested, you can download it from Limewire, source of that other classic, the Fatboy Slim remix of Prince's When Doves Cry and Depeche Mode (again, has to be heard).

Going green

2005-08-08T09:14:00.000+04:00

Driving into work at The City this morning, I noticed the giant lobster on the Safestway building for the first time. Since I've been here the wrong side of five years, this obviously means a) I've been here too long and b) the worm must be about to turn and I'm starting to see the light.

Meanwhile, just opposite the Oasis Centre, they started putting up the framework for yet another massive billboard. As with all the others up and down the Sheikh Zayed road, as well as in Bur Dubai (Ikea and Axiom), these billboards will cover up the only remaining space in the city.

There's no doubt that the creation of these giant bits of painted plywood will generate more income for the outdoor media companies, the graphic design / advertising companies, and the production houses. But wouldn't you rather see the spaces used for small community gardens and parks?

Food for thought

2005-08-08T08:59:00.000+04:00

Anarchy is in danger of over-running the office - Seattle's Best Coffee has run out of cheese croissants.

Bearing in mind matchsticks are compulsory kit here due to the 8am starts (Mega Boss's great idea a few months back to ensure the troops all get parking in The City), this has had an immediate effect on morale.

Two traumatised calls to Seattle's later, and we've reached an unhappy truce. The single remaining croissant (plain, grrr) has been claimed by Fast-Draw Ellie; the rest of us have had to make do with muffins. Not a good start to the day.

We love Campaign

2005-08-08T08:48:00.000+04:00

Secret Dubai's headline-generating blocking by the mighty Etisalat led me to keep a seriously low profile for a couple of weeks, hence no posting .... Oh, who am I kidding, I was just mega busy and low on inspiration.

All that has changed now, since blogs were mentioned in Campaign Middle East, the uber-bible of the ad and media industry here in UAE. Having been mentioned twice, and in a positive light (hurray), I have been filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling akin to the first grande latte of the day .... And, the creative juices are starting to return.

Dubai where?

2005-07-26T22:35:00.000+04:00

I was sent the link to maps.google.com and typed in Dubai. Up popped the response: "Sorry, the place you have requested does not exist." And here's me thinking it was the centre of this part of the universe ....

Truly cosmopolitan

2005-07-22T11:43:00.000+04:00

Bearing in mind I seem to have spent much of the last six weeks travelling, I can confirm that Bahrain is my new favourite airport in this part of the world. The DVD selection is much better than Dubai, and includes a lot of films that are banned in Dubai (Monty Python's Life of Brian has been spotted, as well as some nearly-adult movies). And also, no real queues at passport control (hurray!).

Bahrain really is very civilised - they take any currency in Costa Coffee and you can buy alcohol without a licence. So far, the island has the lead on Dubai in the cosmopolitan stakes ...

Worst album covers

2005-07-22T10:57:00.000+04:00

Thanks to the Dodger, for providing today's light relief. http://www.cenedella.com/stone/archives/2005/07/worstest_album_3.html

Adieu, Secret Dubai

2005-07-19T20:09:00.000+04:00

Sitting on a balcony in Europe with wireless connection, I have just read that Secret Dubai's blog has been blocked by the mighty Etisalat. On quite what basis, I'm not sure, as the author has always been measured and constructive in her comments on UAE society.

Meanwhile, it turns out that The Hen was reprimanded by CID in a club in Dubai for wearing her party outfit, which consisted of a black spangly G string over her jeans. Apparently it was indecent - so not sure what they would have made of Superman.

All in all, looks like Dubai's taken a step back towards the Dark Ages.

Yorkie bar

2005-07-17T20:43:00.000+04:00

Vegas, eat your heart out. Clover and I managed to confound our doubters by organising a hen night in Dubai without a) getting arrested; b) any of the girls having a cat fight; c) anyone passing out. 28 women, 1 bus, 5 venues, 8 hours, starting with Trader Vics in Crowne Plaza. Keeping it old skool, we took in the delights of Carters (private dining room to keep us away from the regular punters), Rock Bottom and Jimmy Dix.

Several men got mistaken for strippers by the girls, but they ran away before they could be abused by screeching women.

Midway round, we also passed an eye-opening 30 minutes in a club in Bur Dubai (the less said the better). Piling out of the bus, there were a few bemused faces as we piled into the hotel, looking for "the hooker bar". Having been pointed upstairs by the doorman, the Red Sea parted as we entered. Ladies of negotiable affection tried to intimidate us - 'twas their turf after all - while the men looked out for fresh meat. Half an hour later, duly fuelled by Flaming Lamborghinis, we left.

One word of advice

2005-07-15T09:20:00.000+04:00

Hen night organisation? Don't.

Yoda-licious

2005-07-13T19:19:00.000+04:00

After a number of years on-off in Dubai, the mighty Yoda is leaving, (so named because he's old, wisened and wise, and has odd sticky-out ears). In his honour, there was a reunion of the Meeja Whores, the "legendary" quiz team from years ago, determined to see one of its founder members off in style.

The Meeja Whores were always a motley crew, yet somehow managed to hold the Aussie Legends record for about two years.

- Yoda was the resident expert on geography, as well as central American capitals and north American rivers;
- Dodja sipped Corona, wrinkled his brow and answered the occasional question about Mormons (he kissed one once) and planets;
- Frosty, now back in the UK, knew about entertainment;
- Lairy Clairey, also back in the UK, just drank Smirnoff Ice and got the odd 60s tune right;
- DJ Dan only ever answered one question in his life and we ignored him - it was something about Joe Montana;
- and finally moi, who only knows about James Bond films, with a speciality on Bond themes.

So, for one night only, we were back and came home the victors with five points to spare.

However, there was a hairy moment when the quizmaster, Aussie's own Disco Dave, dared to argue over which character had been in the most Bond films. While he claims it was Moneypenny, we all know it was in fact Q. With that, I can put the record straight now and claim a moral victory, as well as real one.

Telephony by name, phoney by nature

2005-07-10T22:40:00.000+04:00

That not-very-charitable corporation Etisalat has announced we will no longer be able to access wireless internet hotspots for free in Dubai. Expect sales at Starbucks - where almost all the outlets offer free wifi - to drop as soon as this policy is introduced.

None of this impresses me: I already swell the coffers of the UAE's telephony monopoly every month in order to have ADSL high-speed cable at home. Unfortunately, it's about the same speed as dial-up most of the time.

War of the Turkeys

2005-07-10T22:09:00.000+04:00

War of the Worlds, the blockbuster of the summer .. or so I thought. Despite having Spielberg at the helm, I was strangely unmoved, and irritated by huge gaps in the plot that you could have driven one of thr tripods through. And as for the ending: made the whole film laughable (not HG's ending, by the way, the happy-clappy family conclusion).

For me, it was up there with Alexander and Troy as contenders for the award for "biggest promotion, biggest turkey".

Testing, testing

2005-07-10T22:03:00.000+04:00

For all those who have the joy of residency visa blood tests to come, I have good news. Get your company to pay the extra Dhs100 or so, and go private at the Iranian Hospital. Despite the rather off-putting portakabins marked Blood Tests, the service is swift, and relatively painless (though I was left with a bruise that prompted some wag to ask if the boss had driven me to something stronger than lychee martinis).

Mo' money, moet problems

2005-07-10T21:53:00.000+04:00

Having spent a whirlwind 36 hours in Europe on a business trip, I'm delighted to confirm that the airport still stinks. This trip was made marginally more amusing by the red-neck Yanks in the queue in front of me. They looked suspiciously like Marines arriving for some R&R in Dubai (is that possible during Dubai Summer Surprises) - think it was the camouflage rucksacks stamped as property of the military that gave it away. Glad to see they weren't trying to infiltrate the city on the sly, then.

Meanwhile, I have somehow managed to become Clover's one-woman importer of duty free champagne. Apparently, the Veuve from the hole in the wall in Ajman just isn't up to scratch these days.

Singing for someone's supper

2005-07-02T19:31:00.000+04:00

Credit (partially) to mbc for extending coverage of Live 8 to the widely-available mbc2, so it meant that most of the UAE could watch coverage cut out just as Bob Geldof started up with the Boomtown Rats. It might have been one of the few examples of the media censor working to the viewers' advantage.

Overall, there weren't as many stand-out moments as expected (though I did fall asleep after more than five hours). Madonna boogied away with some seriously flexible dancers and really showed the young contenders what it takes to be a serious star. Baby Apple Martin - complete with ear muffs - and mum Gwyneth Paltrow sang along to Coldplay; country singer Faith Hill's hair took more of the stage than she did; and mad Pete Doherty didn't do a thing to alter the media perception of him as a snorting, smoking, sideshow.

There was a trip down memory lane with 80s legends A-Ha (and my, hasn't Morten Harket improved with age!) and Duran Duran. Sadly, Simon le Bon Bon had been out in the sun and was burnt - apart from a few white lines where his neck wrinkles - and Nick Rhodes looked like he was wearing the same suit he did in the Girls on Film video more than 20 years ago.

Terminal travel

2005-07-01T23:09:00.000+04:00

The Frenchman flew out of Dubai last night, but only just. After checking in more than two hours ahead of time, he only just made the flight after ridiculous queues at the check-in desk of our favourite airline.

It seems the heat got to many of the passengers: one pregnant woman fainted in the queue, while a UAE national woman slapped an airline employee when he tried to explain to her that she couldn't barge her way to the front of the line.

While we make visitors uber-welcome to this city, it might be wise to try and make the farewell as pleasurable as the 'marhaba'.

Fine French cuisine

2005-07-01T23:04:00.000+04:00

On today's brunch menu at a cafe in BurJuman: a number of flavours of croissant, including plain, cheese, chocolate and - wait for it - escargot.

That's not hen-tertainment

2005-06-28T10:13:00.000+04:00

Clover and I have been charged with organising a hen night in Dubai: a challenge at best, since strippers, battery-operated toys and serious hi-jinks are all ruled out by the less-than-cosmopolitan rules on decency in Dubai.

In addition, the Hen has also laid down some fairly restrictive guidelines:
1. No outfits
2. No games
3. No dares

For someone that is getting married in Vegas, something doesn't quite add up .....